Im1singNangeL's Xanga

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Wed, 28 Jun 2006 05:25:35 GMT

Wow...so a lot has happened since that last entry! I actually got a phone call from an old friend the other night that reminded me of this site and I didn't know I even remembered the password it has been so long! But I did...and here I am! Well things here in salt lake are pretty good but I'm looking forward to moving back soon! I like most of what Utah has to offer but it's not for me after I graduate and I can't turn down the great job offer in VA. At least not right now...it will be nice to be close to my family again, buy a car, move on w/ things...and work on moving out to CA. I'm most likely going to move to D.C. and work for a really great spa there where I was offered a job but it all depends on how well I take to things when I move back. I miss everyone a ton! Anyway, I have to go to bed b/c i have class all freakin day tom.! I'll try and write again soon!

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Tue, 04 Oct 2005 17:26:19 GMT

Yeah...so I have noticed that it has been forever since my last post...i've just been really really busy and I haven't found much time for anything! But I'm working on a new story so I will put it up when I think it's perfected!

p.s. 45 more days til I get to see my favorite person in the whole entire world!!! I can't wait!!!

and another side note....my b-day is in 49 days!! This is going to be the best birthday I've ever had! I'm sooo excited you don't even know!

Monday, September 19, 2005

Mon, 19 Sep 2005 17:09:02 GMT

Viridescent

I love the word viridescent. It is a complex notion: cent, scent, descent, iridescent, viridescent. A V for victory for five different meanings in one word!

Okay, so it is 2:00 and I am waiting on my new computer...which should have been here saturday. See the thing is, since it is an insured package of over $2000 I have to be here to sign for it and present an ID verifying that I am in fact Ashlee Brooks! So therefore I am sitting here at 2:00 when I should most def. be in the studio listening to Brad speak about color/material rendering! I can tell you this one thing for certain, I would MUCH rather be sitting there and feeling productive then sitting here and waiting. For all of you who know me...I HATE sitting and doing nothing, it's one of the worst things in the world! I just can't take it...I really would love to just explode right now. Now on the other hand...I could def. not go to computer applications and be completely happy about it. There is just something about that class (maybe not having a computer and having to go sit in there and do absolutely nothing) that just bothers the crap out of me!

Most of you have probably noticed by now that I haven't been responding promptly if at all to your messages. Well...I have been extremely busy lately and not having a computer that works half way decent plays a huge factor in that as well. But as soon as I get up and going w/ my new computer I will try my best to get back to you!

Update on my life...I'm doing fairly well besides the fact that I'm really busy and such. There are a few areas that I'm not certain of...but who doesn't have those right? At least I have somewhat pulled out of this slump I was in for a good portion of the last couple of weeks. But it seems as if things are starting to pull together for the most part...though there is one thing I have absolutely no idea how to deal w/, but that has come to be expected and I should spend/waste time worrying about things I can't change right?

Anyway, I must be getting something to do before I drive myself insane! I thought about writing a new short story...but I started and it just wasn't working for me, the creative juices don't seem to be flowing very well today. I'm out for now! Later Kids!

Monday, September 12, 2005

Mon, 12 Sep 2005 16:05:55 GMT

You had me at hello....
Current mood: drained

This song is particularly true for me...and anyone who really knows me knows that! I prefer the Jerry McGuire version b/c that is one of my favorite movies ever! "I'm not letting you...let go of me!"

"She’ll let you in her house
If you come knockin’ late at night
She’ll let you in her mouth
If the words you say are right
If you pay the price
She’ll let you deep inside
But there’s a secret garden she hides

She’ll let you in her car
To go drivin’ round
She’ll let you into the parts of herself
That’ll bring you down
She’ll let you in her heart
If you got a hammer and a vise
But into her secret garden, don’t think twice

You’ve gone a million miles
How far’d you get
To that place where you can’t remember
And you can’t forget

She’ll lead you down a path
There’ll be tenderness in the air
She’ll let you come just far enough
So you know she’s really there
She’ll look at you and smile
And her eyes will say
She’s got a secret garden
Where everything you want
Where everything you need
Will always stay
A million miles away"

**I wish it wasn't so far!**

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Tue, 30 Aug 2005 23:06:24 GMT

Ever feel like you are on the back end of things?
Current mood: frustrated

Me too.

Her back arches skyward as the long beam of sunlight exposes her to the world. The warmth of the sun sends a light tingle trough her body, she sighs. Rolling over on her stomach she see the wood grain in the floor, a never ending road to nowhere that her eyes dare not voyage on.

The deep dark, rich color of the walnut reminds her of past lovers, and possibly future lovers. Will their caress be as forever as the warmth in the floor? Or will they be as fleeting as the sunbeam?

The warmth of the sun now leaves her as it sinks slowly into the ocean. The warmth of the floor dissipates like a lost lovers touch. The feeling returns, the deep yearning. When will I feel again? She muses….

She stands.
Disappointed.
Longing.

***So...I'm not gunna lie, on little to no sleep last night I have had a lot on my mind today. Maybe I am overthinking things a little too much, but I highly doubt that. I'm having some issues here at school that I'm just not sure how to deal w/, nothing seems to be going in the right direction, and I have come to realize that i really need to stop reading certain myspace pages because it is just putting my mind in unwanted territory. On one side, everything here at school is fantastic, but when it comes to the grown up aspects of being here (financial status, obligations, committments, etc..) things are not so great. I really just wish I could be here and not have to worry about those things, but alas...I have taken on the responsibilities and I must deal. Okay really...when it all comes down to this: I'm sick of not feeling appreciated. Yeah, that is why I spend so much time in the studio working on projects that I make endless just because I don't want to face the fact that....honestly...nobody cares? I dunno...maybe I just need to cut myself off from the outside world for a few days and just breathe. Then again, the cell phone is quiet, the mailbox is empty, and the IMs are static...I pretty much am cut off from the outside world. Thank heavens that I have an awesome roommate and Hannah here....or I might just fall apart. Okay...maybe i'm overreacting...but is it asking too much to ask you to at least pretend that you want me around? Maybe so....gah! I hate this...I never get this way! What is wrong w/ me?! Sheesh! It's not like me to not be able to find something good out of these situations....boo on reality!

Friday, August 26, 2005

Fri, 26 Aug 2005 02:24:45 GMT

Trivial
Current mood: chipper

He plods along the barely lit hallway on his way up the stairs. Standing at the bottom of the stairs he asks himself how much longer can this go on? When will they find the truth? Is this all that is left? A short walk up the stairs and into a different world, he sighs heavily and takes one step at a time.

Mind swirling, thoughts a jumble, what did he do and was it too much? Not enough? They will find out the truth soon, and that will be the end. Reaching the first landing he pauses to ask again Is this really all that is left? Shouldn’t there be more to it then this? They must know the truth by now.

One step at a time, he starts the long climb again. His mind wandering over the past few years, what had happened? How did it all start? Is this the end?

It was a pleasantly warm spring morning, released from his short sentence, he felt renewed. Driving, walking everything shiny, the sky so blue it hurt to look at it, air so clean it rejuvenated him as he awoke from the cold grey that was the past.

New beginnings. Never easy, but always welcome, a new beginning for him showed up every two years or so and this one was the best one yet. New city, new job, new life. It was almost magical, and it would have been if he hadn’t waltzed into this like he had everything else in his life. The expression “Fell ass over tea kettle into_______” seemed to fit everything in his life. He was considered lucky, he felt like a fraud.

They have to know by now right? Surely they know, why don’t they say anything? He was almost to the top of the stairs. His fraudulent ways would soon be known to all and then the ridicule will begin. Name calling and laughter, they will never leave him alone.

The door is looming in front of him, pale yellow and dead. Hanging there, waiting to be used. It is almost taunting him, “C’mon go through here and walk into desperation and pain, you know you deserve it, you fraud”

He just stares at it as his journey continues to lead upward.

It is a cold day out and winter has just got into full swing. He has been asking himself “why, why am I here? Can’t they see I am not the guy they’re looking for?” They don’t seem to care they badger him anyway and continue to engulf him with their rhetoric.

He reaches the door, his hand hesitates. If he doesn’t open the door will anything change? Is this the end or just a new beginning? He slowly opens the dead door and steps into a dimly lit room.

“F that!, I left my cubicle lights on again”

**Virginia Tech** My love! So updates. I'm back at school...first week and things are going fairly well! I have missed the Burg more than I realized I guess. I miss my friends back home...but I mostly miss my Sarah and Travis! I am taking 18 credit hours this semester so I'm pretty busy and have lots of work, and I applied for two jobs today so wish me luck! I really need one of them! I love my new roomie! She's great...I swear we were twins in another life b/c we are so much alike! I love that we can joke and be sarcastic together...I can't be w/ someone who takes life too seriously all the time...or who is an alcoholic! The room is smaller then the last but still homie nonetheless. I love it, plain and simple! And I absolutely am in love w/ my new studio professor! He's great! And already a ton of help! I have a feeling this is going to be a great year studio wise. On another note Sharyn (my roomie) and I...collectively agree that our neighbors are morons! But comical...so it gives us something to talk about at least right? Well, I know it's been a while...but I still have work to do so I must be going...leave me some lovin'!

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Thu, 11 Aug 2005 04:44:36 GMT

Advice Advice Advice....
Current mood: scared

starlightshinesonyou (8:32:54 PM): ash...there aint nothing wrong w/ shedding a few tears...hell, if I were you I would be crying a tsunami! Nobody said you had to be strong all the time! Let it out girl! Stop thinking about what you've lost (if you even have and I don't believe you have...but I could be wrong) and look forward to what you have to gain, distance is a small price to pay and you gave more then I have ever known you to give, and you have smiled more then I have ever known you to smile...THAT is not a loss! Hold on to that and you will make it! And until you know for sure one way or the other...don't fear the worse, you'll end up with the best! hell ash....I spent 3 years in school in Cali when Adam was in NC! There were times when I felt like my world was falling apart but I was hanging on by a thread only having known him for 4 weeks before I went off to school. I doubted us a lot more than he did, but when he found I was moving away, he pushed away, and I pulled back. Truth is, I was terrified that I was starting something new, I no longer had family to depend on, I lost my best friend in a car accident, but I needed him. I nearly killed myself...but after three long years we made the move, we got married, and have been now for 7 years. Richfield is a beautiful place! So when it comes to school, a new job, a career, other people, friends, a relationship...keep your head high and if you believe in it, and more importantly yourself....it WILL happen if you want it bad enough! God gave you the power to survive and nobody can take that away from you! Give it some time, it will all work itself out for the best. And Adam says let him know otherwise...he'll drive the 2.5 hours to kick some ass if he has to! You know...Richfield is a beautiful place all year round...though cold, come visit us whenever you want! I know you'd love it here....so take a run for it sometime! And with your friend...it will work out for the both of you! The feelings are there...I saw it when I visited you in VA a few weeks back. That heart of yours is golden and I've never seen you happier...love is a gift my dear, cherish it. Don't think you don't deserve it, and I'm sure you didn't take it forgranted! So in any case, if Adam kicks some ass...I will shake a hand...b/c anyone who can do that to the Ashlee that I know...is one amazing person! I haven't even been able to break you after 20 years! I mean....at least you have a reason to travel right? And that job opportunity is always open for you! I know that it's a lot to think about, but my home is open to you next summer if you want it, you just might fall in love with the west coast and never want to leave. Of course you can always move out here and live with Adam and I when you graduate w/ that super awesome ITDS major of yours! You can work on my house! Take care girl and I love and miss you tons!

How is it that you only have to put up an away message and the people closest to you can gather almost everything...even from 30 hours away?! A different time zone even?! I'm becoming a professional at having the people I'm closest to living almost out of reach. But this is some of the best advice that I have recieved. Lisa...I'm glad you think highly of me, and I would love to believe I'm as strong as you believe I am. Time...that's not all it needs, but there is no since in wasting it wondering and worrying right? Prayer is going to do more for me than time will...and I'm praying, so I will be fine. I'm going to enjoy my last few years in VA...b/c it's adios when I graduate! Who knows...maybe I will make it out there w/ you and Adam some day. Seeing you guys once a year is rough....but I'm so glad that I get to talk to you a lot! This is one wise lady my friends!

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Tue, 09 Aug 2005 21:51:01 GMT

There's no easy way to say goodbye...so baby just say goodnight
Current mood: contemplative

For a change...can I please be the one that walks away?

So I watched a rather moving movie today...The Upside of Anger...well here is how the movie got it's title, "Anger and resentment can stop you in your tracks. That's what I know now. It needs nothing to burn but the air and the life that it swallows and smothers. It's real, though - the fury, even when it isn't. It can change you... turn you... mold you and shape you into something you're not. The only upside to anger, then... is the person you become. Hopefully someone that wakes up one day and realizes they're not afraid to take the journey, someone that knows that the truth is, at best, a partially told story. That anger, like growth, comes in spurts and fits, and in its wake, leaves a new chance at acceptance, and the promise of calm. Then again, what do I know? I'm only a child." --WOW!

I have learned so much in the past few months, but the most reoccuring thing is that life is a risk, it's about taking chances, and it's about making sacrifices even if you are scared to death to do so! I have (in the past month) found myself lost, frustrated, angry, and even lonely. Life seems to throw a lot of curve balls my way, but as the quote above expresses, they all leave a new chance at acceptance. And thanks to a very special someone, I have learned that life is very worth the chance! Though sometimes the people in your life you care about the most are so far away, the chance and time spent together is worth more than never knowing. I have become a stronger person, but in a way...weaker (I've never been good at letting go lightly). My head is telling my heart to be silent, internal conflict, but I'm walking out on a limb...and for the first time in my life I am not afraid because I know that in the end I will be just fine. I know that what will come of it is far better then wondering 'what if.' I have had a very good example of this! So for now I will hold hope for the future and what's to come, though I'm scared as hell that things will not turn out the way I hope...it's all a part of the journey, and I'm ready to fly! When you walk away...promise me that you will not say goodbye! Goodbye's are forever...and forever is such a long time!

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Sun, 24 Jul 2005 18:07:47 GMT

Don't Let This Go
Current mood: creative

Lying here beside you,
wondering which way to go.
So much to tell you,
There’s so much that I want you to know.

*Don’t say you’ll go,
Don’t say you’ll go boy,
Don’t say you’ll go.

Wrapped in the moment
As the motion begins to control.
This feeling between us,
There’s so much that my heart just can’t show

*Don’t say you’ll go,
Don’t say you’ll go boy,
Don’t say you’ll go.

'Cause I’ve seen that look upon you.
And I’ve seen your smiling face tonight.
Just a girl.
I’m wild and I’m reckless,
Just a taste of sweet embrace.

*Don’t let it go,
Don’t let this go,
Don’t let this go (X3)

Acoustic

Friday, July 22, 2005

Fri, 22 Jul 2005 23:16:37 GMT

It's a love/hate relationship this Life!
Current mood: bored

AHHHH...this day sucks! I just wrote a huge entry and when I went to post...it erased it! GAH! Anyway, reason for writing...This day sucks! I woke up (nothing great), took a shower (nothing interesting there...and you might think this is not unusual...but at least at school you got scolded or froze when someone flushed the toilet for a while...it gave the showers character and made taking one an art!), at breakfast (cereal...man do I miss D2's breakfast!), then I got on here to check my mail and stuff...nothing new other than the usual junk and I have even found how inconsiderate in rude a couple of people are! Makes me sad actually! So the only thing I get to look forward to is in exactly one month I will be diving (wait, did I say dive? I meant taking a painful belly flop) into regularly scheduled classes at VT! Now you might think this sucks...but ANYTHING is better then my life here at home...it pretty much sucks battery acid on all levels! I just wanna go back...I would leave today if I could! Anyone have an opening in their apartment for a few weeks?! I miss the people, the food, the drillfield, duck pond, main street, the cascades...hell, I miss it all! Yes, I'm in tears I miss this place so much (okay...maybe not...but you get the idea). So much so that I started a list of things I love and hate...it's pretty bad when you don't have to be at work until 12:30 and all you want to do is be at work! So here goes....

I love by Ashlee Brooks:
God and Church
Family (for the most part)
Friends (they are good to me at least 80f the time...lol, j/k)
Summer, Winter, Spring, and Fall (I love them all!)
Suttle touches (you got this hannah...you know what I mean!)
The smallest gestures to show you care (I tend to be good at this so I am told)
Singing
Lauging and Smiling (pretty much go hand in hand)
Listening...being a good friend
Dancing to "Let's Get It On"
Hannah, Sarah N., Sara H., and Katie!
Traveling
Writing/Poetry
Reading
Surrealism
*and sooooo much more...to read just go to my interest!

I Hate by Ashlee Brooks:
Being bored!
Impersonal people
Rudeness
Judgement
Ignorance
One-sided opinions
Not feeling wanted
Being ignored by those you care deeply for
Frustration
Broken promises

Okay, so in my lifetime so far I have learned that sometimes the smallest details are the ones you have to pay the most attention to. You have to water it so that it will grow with you. I have always let those I care about know that I care about them and I have always put my whole heart into everything! I know that I haven't made the best decisions in life, but I try...and that's what counts. I have always learned from my mistakes as well as my accomplishments...so maybe this rut that I'm in today will turn out to be a good thing for me. We shall see I guess. I know this isn't my usual entry...but I'm missing school a lot right now and I had to get my frustration out on something!

Leave me some lovin'.....

Man...my other entry was soo much better!